“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tightly closed in a bud,
Was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.
This is the element of freedom.”
For me, this quote speaks of my personal truths. I am known for saying “let me live in my own reality.” If the lie is not hurting anyone and is ultimately giving me peace of mind, then continue to lie to me. That may sound so awful to say, but life is short and I want to be happy. That is one of the prices I am willing to pay. I’m at peace with the decision to accept lies as truths and so far, it was worked well by me. While this outlook has not affected any of my personal, romantic relationships, it has helped me when it comes to social friendships, work-related issues and professional affiliations.
For example, in the realm of relationships let’s say that I am in a 5-yr relationship that has been going EXTREMELY well for majority of that time. My significant other cheated on me during the first year of that relationship when he and I were still in the “talking” phase and I was never made aware, nor did I ever have suspicions. That was his only indiscretion and he has displayed no other signs of cheating and most likely never will. Now that it is 4 years later I would say no, do not tell me! While yes, had I known of the indiscretion back then I would have left faster than the Roadrunner, 4 yrs later it is basically nondescript and would do nothing more than upset me-and for what? I’d rather just be left ignorant and unaware and most importantly, I AM OKAY WITH THAT.
Recently however, I have reached the cusp-the cusp being I can no longer remain tightly closed in a bud because it is too painful. In one particular area of my life (I may share more details at a later time), I’ve been lying to myself long enough and I can’t take it anymore. The risk it will take to bloom will be more freeing and liberating than anything I am experiencing now. While it is indeed a bit terrifying to step out on that ledge and jump, preparing myself for the fall that may ensue, I can only pray and have faith that the Lord has equipped me with the tools necessary to fly.
“Have you ever felt so stong, That it made you feel weak;
Long days, long nights, and you just can’t sleep?
Have you ever been so sure, That it gave you cold feet;
Gotcha floating on air, you can feel your heart beat?
Well I never knew this feeling never,
Now I hope it stays and lasts forever.
I am running, I don’t wanna come down;
Hope my wings don’t fail me now.
And if I can touch the sky, I’d risk the fall,
Just to know how it feels to fly.”
–Alicia Keys, “How It Feels To Fly”