No, I’m Not A REAL Friend Anymore

          I used to keep it brutally honest with my closest friends.  That’s what friends are for, right?  Your REAL friends are supposed to be the ones to tell you the things that the rest of the world will keep from you and possibly ridicule you for.  Your REAL friends will supposedly always look out for you, giving you 100% honesty at ALL times because ultimately, this is what sets them apart from the rest of the fake friends, random associates and leeches that the world offers.

            Well, I don’t do/give the REAL friend brutal honesty anymore.  Yup, I said it.  After a long talk with Shelby one day, I recognized the faultiness in my previous outlook.  Sometimes, our closest friends aren’t ready for that realness or are not willing to accept the changes that must occur once they’ve received that honesty. 

          We all have that friend that may dress inappropriately, may speak a bit out of turn, may be committed to that wack boyfriend, etc.  Heck, maybe you are that friend!  When someone who is truly in your corner comes to you and keeps it real with you, how much is it really going to change?  Is that friend really going to purchase a new, more tasteful, wardrobe?  Is the other friend really going to make an honest effort to gain better control over her tongue?  Will that last friend really ditch her boyfriend she’s MADLY in love with as a result of that heart-to-heart conversation you had with her of his multiple shortcomings? No!

          As a result, I now do my best to be a SUPPORTIVE friend.  While yes, I’m honest in the fact that I won’t lie, I’m no longer so set on being brutally honest.  Now when the inappropriately dressed friend is griping about the negative attention her way of dressing is attracting, I’m there to harp with her on how disrespectful men these days can be.  While yes, her skirt is shorter than anything I’d dare wearing, I also understand it gives no man any permission to smack her backside as a result (while reminding her to try rocking skinny jeans like I did next time).  When the friend that frequently speaks out of turn is salty that she’s recently gotten into a tiff with her grandmother, I provide a listening ear for a venting voice.  And lastly, when that friend is complaining about the latest idiotic deed her wack boyfriend completed, I will agree with her about how wack it was and plot with her on how she can get him to see the error in his ways. 

          As you should know by now, I’m all about making my life, and the lives around me, happier, more positive places to be and enjoy.  Brutal honesty oftentimes hurts feelings and offends more often than it incites change and brings people closer together.  I’m all about increasing the peace and if this will help us get there, I’m down for the cause!

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8 thoughts on “No, I’m Not A REAL Friend Anymore

  1. I REALLY NEEDED THIS CUZ, SO THANKS FOR SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO ME. I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT I AM KNOWN AS THE ‘REAL’ FRIEND. MY MOTTO IS, (WHICH I ADOPTED FROM MY MOTHER), ‘IF YOU DONT WANT TO HEAR THE TRUTH, THEN DONT COME TO ME.’ THIS HAS CREATED SOME PROBLEMS FOR ME RECENTLY IN SOME OF MY CLOSEST RELATIONSHIPS. WHILE I DO BELIEVE IT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY AS A TRUE FRIEND TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH TO YOUR FACE INSTEAD OF LAUGHING BEHIND YOUR BACK WITH EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD… WHATS IT REALLY ALL WORTH? I AM STILL GOING TO FEEL THE WAY THAT I FEEL (WHICH I AM ENTITLED TO), THE PERSON IS STILL GOING TO DO EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT TO DO (REGARDLESS OF HOW I MAY FEEL ABOUT IT) AND AFTER I EXPRESS MY FEELINGS , OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS NOW TAKEN A FEW STEPS BACK. NOTHING CHANGES BESIDES THE DYNAMIC OF OUR RELATIONSHIP. AND NOW YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CANT TALK TO ME AND I FEEL A CERTAIN KIND OF WAY ABOUT YOU BECAUSE YOU DIDNT TAKE WHAT I SAID TO HEART.
    HOWEVER, I AM THE ‘SUPPORTIVE’ FRIEND TOO! I AM SUPPORTIVE WHEN IT MEANS THE MOST. I REFUSE TO SUPPORT STUPIDITY, MEDIOCRITY OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT MAY PROVE TO HAVE NEGATIVE EFFECTS ON YOU AND YOUR TOTAL WELL-BEING (EMOTIONAL, FINANCIAL, CHILDREN, PHYSICAL, ETC).LATELY I HAVE BEEN ATTEMPTING TO REFRAIN FROM ‘KEEPING IT REAL’ WITH THOSE AROUND ME, SIMPLY BECAUSE IT NEVER GOES OVER WELL. BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I WILL NOT SUPPORT ANY B.S. SO I GUESS THE REAL QUESTION HERE IS: “WHAT ARE YOUR RESPONSIBILITES AS A FRIEND?” (MAYBE YOU SHOULD WRITE SOMETHING ABOUT THAT CUZ… :-/)

  2. Dang couso, you just went INNNN. I completely FEEL you on that though. The part that really sucks is when you have a good friend (not a best friend) who’s guy may be unfaithful/hitting on you-if you chose to step up to your friend and keep it real, she’s going to confront him, he’ll deny it while slamming you, then the friend will stay with him and end her friendship with you! I’m always hearing about this exact scenario and it sucks for all parties involved-for the friend who was trying to be honest, for the gf who is getting played, and for the bf who is being enabled to continue his deceitfulness.

    And I’m going to have to think long and hard about the friendship peace-what does being a good friend really mean? What are the actual responsibilities?

  3. WOW, cousins. This topic and the comments are right on point (yaya, I feel like we are sitting on my red couch running our mouths.. .this feels good). Anyways, I stand by my point that a real friend is JUST THERE. Like, yes, I will tell you my opinion, but after I see that it’s pointless….then my opinion no longer matters. At the end of the day, I love my friends, because I respect them as women and I TRULY believe that they will make the decision that works for their lives. I think too often, we think that we are ALWAYS right even about other people’s lives. SO, for me I like to offer my opinion (in the beginning) and remember it’s just that MY OPINION. It’s what I see out of my life’s lense… there are so many times that although I have the best intentions I AM WRONG. That wack boyfriend does change and becomes an amazing husband. That out of pocket friend changes someone’s life with her words – when I thought that she should JUST SHUT UP!

    I guess, what I am trying to say is – YES, give your opinion. But remember it is your opinion and then once changes aren’t made…. be THERE. Simply be there. No one needs a friend that ALWAYS wants to give their opinions on the way that you run your life, finances, husband, etc.

  4. P.S. I mean if your life truly shines, esp. in the area of weakness (your man is good and committed to you, you get proper attention in the clubs and dress compliments, and you seem to have perfect social etiquette) then your friends will ask you your secret and your advice on their situation.. .how they can get their situation to look more like yours. And at that point it’s your time to SHINE your light and go full-force on your advice (not your opinion on their situation). Does that make sense?

    But sometimes, I fear that I am walking around giving advice when my stuff isn’t tight :/

    P.S.S. Love the article on true friends….good one, Simone.

  5. @SHELBY- I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM WHEN YOU SAID “But sometimes, I fear that I am walking around giving advice when my stuff isn’t tight :/” BECAUSE AT SOME POINT WE HAVE ALL CAUGHT OURSELVES RIDING ON THAT IMAGINARY HIGH HORSE HOLDING A SIGN THAT FALSELY BOASTS “I am perfect and you are not!”. THAT WHOLE THING GOES BACK TO ‘NOT THROWING STONES IF YOU LIVE IN A GLASS HOUSE.’ I AM THE FIRST PERSON TO WILLINGLY ADMIT MY FAULTS AND HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE ESPECIALLY IF I FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT WHAT I AM SAYING OR WHAT I BELIEVE. YES, I HAVE BEEN PLAYED BY BOYFRIENDS, YES I COME FROM A BROKEN HOME, YES I HAVE PLAYED MY OWN SHARE OF CHILDISH GAMES IN LOVE AND THE LIST GOES ON….. BUT WHEN I EXPRESS MY FEELINGS TO MY FRIENDS ABOUT SOMETHING THAT I MAY THINK IS A BAD DECISION OR SITUATION, IT IS GENUINELY OUT OF CONCERN. I TRY NOT TO SPEAK ON THINGS THAT I DONT KNOW ABOUT AND IF I CATCH MYSELF SPEAKING OUT OF TURN, I MAKE A SERIOUS EFFORT TO CLEAN IT UP. IT IS JUST TOO BAD THAT MOST TIMES WHAT I SAY ISNT TAKEN THE WAY THAT ITS MEANT FROM MY HEART. IF IVE BEEN THROUGH THAT DOOR I KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE AND IF ITS NOT GOOD I WILL MAKE ALL EFFORTS TO STRONGLY URGE YOU TO PICK DOOR NUMBER 2 INSTEAD. I DONT LIKE TO SEE THE PEOPLE I LOVE SUFFER FOR NO REASON. I GUESS AT SOME POINT I WILL FINALLY UNDERSTAND THAT I CANT SAVE ANYONE FROM THEMSELVES…..

  6. First and foremost, I laughed so hard at the beginning of your comment Simone – you are great at capturing emotions and words:

    I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM WHEN YOU SAID “But sometimes, I fear that I am walking around giving advice when my stuff isn’t tight :/” BECAUSE AT SOME POINT WE HAVE ALL CAUGHT OURSELVES RIDING ON THAT IMAGINARY HIGH HORSE HOLDING A SIGN THAT FALSELY BOASTS “I am perfect and you are not!”. THAT WHOLE THING GOES BACK TO ‘NOT THROWING STONES IF YOU LIVE IN A GLASS HOUSE.’

    And I agree with you with EVERYTHING that you said. I truly believe it is so important to stop our loved ones from going into certain doors, BUT girl, when they keep on going through that door –it’s time to take a step back and allow a grown woman/man to do what a grown woman/man needs to do! At the end of the day, we all have a life to live and it’s not right to CONTINUALLY harp on the issues of other’s lives. Again, I will make it clear that I agree that we need to say something (GENTLY) to our friends, esp. if their decisions are harmful. But once they don’t listen, it’s time to back up and play role #2 – supportive friend. I mean, honestly ladies – how many friends do we keep in our lives that CONSTANTLY “criticizes” our love life, financial decisions, fashion style, etc?

  7. I HAD a friend that was too honest (maybe bordered on the talk too much period line) but I’d say things and they would take the conversation south and I would be like who asked you all of that? It’s the ONLY friend I’ve EVER lost. I was glad about it.

    I’m normally outspoken and am a keep it real person. I haven’t really had anything go wrong but I’ve decided to just save my breath when I know what I have to say won’t make a difference. I try my best now to just ignore stupidity (and its hard). I just act like I didn’t even hear it. I’m not any less of a friend than I was before but I’m more in touch with my star player and my nerves and I now know whats best for the team lol

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