Over the past few days, possibly even a bit into last week, internally I’ve just been going THROUGH it. I’ve been feeling a lot of pressure to improve the stuff that I’m putting out into the world, stuff meaning my words, twitter and facebook posts, actions, thoughts, and overall, anything else that has Ashley Yancey’s endorsement. It’s making me take a very deep look internally to evaluate myself.
This internal reflection has left me feeling very indifferent about things. Over the past few days, I’ve gotten numerous texts and messages from various people with tons of positive, uplifting, encouraging compliments that I have definitely appreciated, but haven’t been RECEIVING. What I mean by that is I’m not internalizing them as I once would have. You know how I can get-someone gives me a compliment and I’ll get the “big” head like “Tell me more about how I’ve inspired you!” Lol or, “Really? You really think all those amazing things about me!?” It’s almost been as though I was fishing for more positive things for the people to say! Lol yeah I can be a bit obnoxious but honestly, it’s comedy-people don’t take it too seriously, nor do I myself, so it works 🙂
But I digressed. As I was saying, because of this internal reflection, I have not been receiving those compliments. My mind is so focused on this other task at hand (which has been really evaluating my output into the world) that it’s left me unable to celebrate this amazing moment that I’ve created (I am fulfilling a lifelong dream of writing on a platform that allows others to read it). It has left me emotionally exhausted-constantly thinking about these things, and focusing on the “why’s” of life will take its toll on you. I haven’t known how to articulate these sentiments, it’s seemed to be a bit too much and overwhelming for me.
As always, Shelby and her 6th sense came to my rescue! Two days ago Shelby began blowing my phone up, sensing in her spirit that something was “off” with me-how right she was! That was the day I learned my coworker had passed. Then today, when I was really sitting here thinking about some things, she called me again, only this time to elaborate on how proud she was of me. “I am so proud of you! You are on your way! I couldn’t let this moment pass without letting you know that I sense something amazing going on with you and your growth! I had to call you right now to tell you, I didn’t want this moment to pass without letting you know how I feel! I love you so much!”
Such powerful, encouraging words right? They should have left me on Cloud 9 but all I could give was a weak smile. It was at this time when I was able to be real with her on how I’d been feeling. “Thanks cous, I appreciate it. Something is going on with me right now though. My mind isn’t there right now.” I explained everything above and she summed it all up in two words. “Growing pains. I’ve been there before, I know exactly how you feel. God is talking, you have got to listen.”
Being the control freak that I am, I feel as though some weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. The only thing more frustrating then knowing something is going on with you, is not knowing how to identify it. Now that I know, I shall get through this. I love you dearly Shelby Lynne 🙂