Reality TV Might Be On To Something-Black Marriages Are a Disparity

We haven't been doing it like this anymore 😦

            Last night Shelby and I had one of our phone conversations that was supposed to take a quick 5 minutes but quickly turned into nearly 2 hours (yes, we’re aware that we may have a problem).  If you read her blog then you’re aware of the frustration and bewilderment she deals with when contemplating the why’s and how’s of Black men not fully committing (marriage) to women.  I’ve never had much patience for it because I view it much more simplistically (and ignorantly).  I have had the attitude, “I personally don’t have any issues pulling men so those women are on their own.”  Something happened yesterday however that has forced me to turn a more critical eye on the issue and dare I say I’m beginning to side with Shelby’s extremely opinionated view?

            Yesterday was Sunday and if you’re addicted to reality television like I am you already know Sunday evenings are a BIG ticket night!  You’ve got Football Wives, Basketball Wives and Real Housewives of Atlanta all airing back-to-back-to-back.  Juicy!  I will often log into my Twitter account and read all of the commentary my followers are saying about the shows, have a few good laughs and walk away relieved I don’t have to deal with half the stuff those ladies are dealing with. 

            When Basketball Wives was airing however, it was a general consensus that NO ONE is a fan of the show’s title.  Tweets were being published that exchanged the title of “wives” with “girlfriends,” “ex-wives” and “baby mama’s.”  Ouch!  People were saying that the show is a fraud because only one woman is an actual wife and her marriage leaves MUCH to be desired hence it’s not taken seriously.  Next up was the Real Housewives of Atlanta and it was the same thing.  People were harping on the fact that none of the women are married, except for one, and the one that is married discusses her impending, unavoidable divorce that she is steadily progressing towards.   

            After thinking about all of this it hit me-Black women are the main ones going through this!  When you watch other reality shows based off of the title of “wives” they feature nearly all-White cast members who are all married.  When you come across the occasional exception who isn’t married, she is a divorcee who enjoyed many years of marriage before calling it quits and has no issues finding a new guy to settle down with when she’s ready to jump back into the dating pool.  Real Housewives of New York/New Jersey/Orange County/Beverly Hills/DC all exemplify this. 

            This realization has been so majorly eye-opening to me.  Shelby has really been right/had a valid point all along.  Black women are having a VERY hard time finding someone to settle down with.  In all of the shows that I’ve ever seen, the only (seemingly) solid marriage I’ve seen is Stacy’s from the Real Housewives of DC cast.  No one from that show denies the strength of that relationship and at some points it almost seems as though it’s envied.  When watching the dating trials and tribulations the Basketball Wives and Real Housewives of Atlanta cast members are experiencing, the men always seem like they’re half-arsing, scheming and overall not taking the women/a relationship seriously.  You not only see a lack of marriage, but you also see a lack of a genuine relationship dynamic. 

            This all makes me sad.  Really sad.  I guess this is how Shelby feels/gets smh lol.  Shelby gets really emotional on the subject (even though she’s already found herself a good man who has put a ring on it) so I’ve never understood her passion for the subject.  Now I get it though.  She has family members (me), close friends (I won’t put you out T! 😉 oops lol!) and other women she knows who are dealing with these obstacles every day.  What is the issue Black men?  Why is it no problem for you to pursue a woman, wine/dine her, live with her, perhaps begin a family and maybe even call her your girlfriend, then stop short of the ultimate commitment-marriage?  And women why do you think men aren’t pulling their share of the weight?  What do you think is holding them back?  Everyone, do you think there’s any validity in any of this?  Or do you think it’s all bull crap?  Thoughts?  Share please!


5 thoughts on “Reality TV Might Be On To Something-Black Marriages Are a Disparity

  1. This is soooo well written! To be honest, yesterday you pointed out the reality television thing and girl, let me be honest. Last night, I sat around really thinking about it and was like, “man cousso is so right!” Like why is that? Girl, I really hope this article gets some dialogue, because I would love to hear other’s opinions!

  2. I feel the same way y’all. Why is it that black men can’t commit??! I’ve been through it (well, not with marriage, but with a gf-title thing). I don’t know what it is that they’re afraid of… its certainly not fair- their way of saying I can do what I want ’cause you’re not my girl/wife, etc. Its bullsh**!! For all those women out there with relationships in “title-limbo” give him an ultimatum. It just has to be that way. For real. It sucks, but if he really loves you, he’ll get you back and do it right. It worked for my (now-ex :)– took him a little while but it did the trick and he realized he just let the BEST he could have ever gotten slip between his fingers….. Oh well, I moved on and found a man that was not afraid to commit and we’ve been in a RELATIONSHIP (yes, public lol) for almost 3 years 🙂 even talked about putting a ring on it 😉
    Oh, just so y’all know… I want an emerald cut 🙂

    And back to the bf/gf discussion though… I know its not the same as your marriage discussion Ash, but I’d like to bring up that loooong family convo we had in your dad’s garage this past summer (Shelby, chime in whenever you please :-)). The tell-tale sign that you, as a titled “girlfriend” are not going to be promoted to wifey status is if there has not been at least a SERIOUS engagement conversation within the first 3 years (that’s the number we came up with). Now of course, each relationship is different and we all mature to that engagement level at different times, some sooner, some later but if there’s no talk, even, of moving upward, or a talk as to why you shouldn’t move upward just yet, then you may want to bring it up. If your man seems complacent or has no GOOD reason (i.e. school, job issues, financial issues, real deep deep personal issues etc) to take the next step, then you my dear, have no need to waste any more of your time.

  3. The reality is this conversation never gets past the finger pointing stage. I mean think about it. The question or dilemma is framed as, what’s wrong with y’all ni&&as? (Paraphrasing). I would say that we all have our hang ups, each personal within every relationship. Keeping it real, if a man won’t put a ring on it, there’s a high probability that there is something wrong with the person attached to “it.” Works the other way too, plenty of women won’t say yes/I do because to put it bluntly..he aint the one. In my experience, men know when they have a catch. Save the trials and tribulations of youth, most men won’t let a good woman pass them by. Take it from me, these are the conversations we have. Number one reason why a man won’t marry you? He probably doesnt trust that you’d stay around if the water rises. Men value loyalty and sacrifice over everything. Cute face, small waist, thick thighs are cool, but what’s the point if she’s gonna dip for the bigger wallet. That being said, there are issues among men as it pertains to leadership as well. Most men dont know how to lead so they choose not to enlist. It’s definitely a two way street with culpability on both sides….#deuces

  4. @RG- ok, so you have a valid point. My question to you, then is… why stay together?! Isn’t marriage the overall point of being in a relationship? I remember my uncle talking to me about this– he was always putting pressure on me, asking me when K and I will get married, and mind you, this was way back in the beginning of our relationship, so we weren’t really even thinking about that, we were just waiting for him to finish college and me to get a decent job– anyways, so I asked my uncle why he would ever think that way, he told me thats the point of a relationship– you’re dating someone with potential to be your husband/wife. That’s how it should be he said. If you couldn’t see yourself marrying (either soon or later) the person you’re dating, then you’re wasting your time.
    So, why is it that we have these horribly dysfunctional relationships/partnerships sitting around waiting for…. well I don’t know, since one or neither party wants to marry the other?? Is it just cuz it’s a “good look” for now– she’s fly, I’m fly, we look good together, so lets give the people what they want and keep a good looking couple together…?? Then I’d say we have a whole lot of mislead and confused people walking around this here world– no one’s going to get married with this mentality, and if they do, they better get divorce insurance! (Y’all heard about that foolery?!?– the epitome of mistrust!!)

  5. @Veronika- Who can determine what a waste of time is? It takes time to realize he/she isn’t the one. I agree 100% with your uncle’s approach. Always interviewing for the number one slot. But as with anything, youth has its disadvantages. It takes longer when your younger to realize “this isn’t going to work” because you haven’t had life experiences to warn you. The older we get the easier it is to call bullsh!t on relationships. Explains why women’s “time period” for waiting on the proposal shortens as they get older, rightfully so. Keep in mind that we’re only talking about GFs or wifeys here b/c some cats ruin the game by selling side pieces a dream/fantasy that they are wifey material. A lot of the “where are good men” rants come from a woman who clearly wasn’t the star player, but was the victim of some simp’s lazy game.

    To your point about continuing a relationship that is destined for failure, I can’t speak on that because that’s clear and utter (in your words) foolery. If you are put on notice that your relationship is failing, then end it. That being said, a lot of times people on the outside look at a relationship and see what the person in it may not. I find it hard to believe that anyone who has clearly pulled the curtain on their GF or BF is out here on that BS. Plainly stated, where they do that at?

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