I’m Losing My Mind (not literally but ya know…)

What you’re about to read is probably about to surprise you.  I always rock a big smile on my face, am upbeat and am always down to have a good time with those closest too me.  I have presented a positive, uplifted and motivated A. Yancey to you…which is true, but there’s another side as well.  Another side that I have REFUSED to acknowledge, own and share with the vast majority of others.  Unfortunately, internally things have not been so peachy.    I’m about to share something that is DEEPLY personal to me.  I’m not really sure why I decided to even post this but here it is.  Don’t judge me. 

Recently I’ve been going through it.  Heartbreak folks, heartbreak.  Shelby’s been telling me from day 1 to write about it but I kept saying, “I have to let some months/years go by before I do that,” “it’s way too soon,” and my most popular excuse, the simple, “there’s no way I’m writing about something like that.”  So this post is just a random rant of all the things that have been grinding my gears as it relates to this most recent breakup I’ve been desperately trying to get over.

First of all, I’m the queen of avoidance/denial.  If something is bothering me I will do EVERYTHING in my power to avoid the subject, deny any weakness and pretend that whatever was going on never happened.  Unfortunately you never realize how many people are actually aware that the relationship existed until stuck with the unfortunate task of updating them all on the status.  Here I am, several weeks later still encountering folks who are asking “how’re you and him doing?”  And all I can say is, “We’re not.”  When they ask, “Why?” I am left to shrug my shoulders while offering a weak, “I honestly don’t know.”  And that’s the truth-I don’t know.  One day we were, and the next day he disappeared.

So now I’ve got my cousins (whom I don’t see/hang out with/talk to all that often, but when we do it’s like no time has passed) who want to know how things are going with myself and the guy that they first met in Fall 2009.  Back then they were major fans of him and here we are over a year later and it’s the holidays and the family’s all together.  I realize that they haven’t been updated and all those emotions come rushing back to the top as I recall the “ending ceremonies,” ugh.  Then a week or so later, another person pops up, this one having met him over the summer and she’s asking the same question.  Then most recently, just freaking yesterday, my sorority sister who met him this past spring, made a comment where she referred to my “boo” and I realized I’d have to explain it all to her.  Every single time I have to explain the breakup to someone else I am silently cursing myself for ever introducing these people to him in the first place.  Now I have to sit back and wonder, “who else is out there that I STILL have to explain this crap too?”  It sucks you guy, it sucks.

Then I have had to censor all of the music I listen too.  I am so sick of hearing love songs, or songs about the man wanting the woman back, or the songs about the woman wanting the man back.  Everytime I hear it all I receive it all as lies.  This stuff isn’t true, people will get hurt, it’s such a major waste of time.  The only song that makes any sense to me anymore is Trey Songz,’ “Can’t Be Friends.”  Heck, me and this cat can’t even speak at this point.  It’s kind of like speak for what?  There’s nothing that needs to be said.

Which takes me to my next point.  I’ve had to reroute many of my social appearances (lol at my word choice) and am now realizing that before showing up to places, I have to ask about “who’s going to be there” and “who’s providing the entertainment” to avoid any unsettling run-ins.  Recently I forgot to do this and found myself in a nightmare.  There I was, with my girl, drinking nice and dancing when out of the corner of my eye I spotted him.  Instantly my body temperature rose, I felt faint and had to take a major gulp to swallow my stomach that had just attempted to creep up my throat.  I didn’t see that sort of reaction coming.  At all.  Heck, I didn’t expect to see him.  It freaked me out.

And another thing about these breakups, just because you remove that person 100% out of your life does not mean that the reminders aren’t EVERYWHERE else you may go, constantly agitating you and forcing you to remember everything you want to forget.  This holiday season everytime I saw a Little Fockers movie promotion I had to fight back tears-he and I were supposed to see that movie together.  And everytime I’m on the highway and pass the exit that leads to his home I’m reminded that I’ll never be using it again.  Certain songs I can’t listen to because they bring back memories of what doesn’t exist anymore.

And quite possibly the absolute hardest part of all of this is the loss of one of my best friends.  Over the course of the better part of a year, this had grown to be the person that I confided in for nearly everything.  If I was considering making a job change, he knew about it.  If my hair was flowing that day, he would receive a picture in his inbox alerting him to it.  If I needed advice on how to handle someone who had offended me, he gave it.  And for him-if someone was grinding his gears, he could tell me about it.  If he had made some major moves with his career, I’d be one of the first to know and when he was fresh out of that barber’s chair or a visit to the gym I was definitely on the receiving end of that picture text message.  Now when something crazy, ridiculous, uplifting or disappointing happens and I go to send a text, I am instantly reminded that he will not be notified.  If there’s a new movie I want to see, he won’t be seeing it with me.  New restaurant I want to try?  He won’t be trying it with me.  It’s tough.

I know I’m not the only one that has gone through this yet I still feel so alone in it all.  I don’t understand why so much time has passed and I’m still not over it.  It’s never taken me this long to move on.  NEVER.  And while there are some days where I feel quite good about the situation and think I’m making progress, I’ll see/remember something that brings all the old feelings back.  I’m a prideful person so majority of this I have not shared with others; these are all things that have occupied the darkest corners of my mind and heart.  I’ve prayed for myself, entertained the occasional date or two (hurt people will hurt people though so I’ve been forced to put distance between myself and these people), even went down for the alter call at church but nothing is working.  The only thing at this point is time I guess but I don’t have the patience for all that.  So….

I’m moving to NYC.  I’m moving much sooner than I had originally anticipated.  In my mind it’s the only thing that has seemed to make sense.  I know it sounds so incredibly ridiculous but darn it, it’s the only way I know how to deal.  On my most recent trip I thought about my situation here not once.  Not once.  And as soon as I got back it has haunted all of my thoughts once again and I can’t seem to get past/over it as hard as I try.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.  This has all been an experience of firsts….this is the first time I’ve ever really STRUGGLED to get over a breakup and this will be the first time I take such a major move to get over it.  Oh well.  I’m ready (I think).  And if this doesn’t work and three months later I’ve realized I made a major mistake, family and home are going nowhere no time soon-moving back home will always be an option. 

Pray for me.  And thanks for listening/reading.

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14 thoughts on “I’m Losing My Mind (not literally but ya know…)

  1. I went through a pretty volatile and public breakup a year after graduation, and I totally understand what your going through. I did what you are planning on.. packed up my things.. moved.. and didn’t look back. Sometimes… that is the best medicine, to just start fresh in a new environment. Ashley, know that you are not alone… and it’s his lost for losing out on a precious gem like you. Best of luck.. and if you need anything.. even if it’s an objective person to just listen.. let me know. These things take time.. but know God would not put you through it.. if HE didn’t plan on bringing you through it. Miami love!

  2. I, too, went through a painful breakup years ago and I thought my world was going to end. I didnt relocate, although I so badly wanted to. At times it was hard for me to even crawl out of bed. I was heartbroken and embarrassed that a breakup had me down like this. Afterall, I was the confident therapist who others came to with their problems. I started to doubt myself professionally and emotionally. If I couldnt get through this then how in the hell could I help other people with their problems? Nothing I tried helped me to feel better at first. This experience was an eye opener for me. One thing that I can say now that I NEVER thought I could say is that I learned so much about ME during that time and in time began to develop a deeper relationship with myself. I dated a few people but refused to get too involved (you’re right hurt people hurt people) and these guys were husband material but my pain got in the way (and they werent meant to be either). Eventually I was able to heal. It took a long time. Many tears, many sleepless nights, many missed days from work… I couldnt possibly be listening to others when my mind was jacked like that. But then I got over it, it felt like forever, but I am happier now than I have ever been in my entire life…single and all. I love you and am so proud of you for sharing!

  3. aww Angie, you made me cry lol…at least this time it’s with a 🙂 on my face.

    i was doing really bad at first…missed all kinds of work and once while at work i was actually sent home-i was a mess that day and couldn’t pull it together. then i went through this period when i honestly thought i was doing really well but then the past couple of days have me second guessing all of that. i don’t know man, i don’t know.

    the only thing that is for sure is that i will be at my strongest whenever i get over all of this.

    and question…will i be seeing you Thurs at Mynt for our Founder’s Day celebration? I’m going and I hope you’ll be there 🙂 and I love you too. So much.

  4. You are doing better than you think!

    I have to work until 730 Thursday so I cant be at Mynt until 8. Pam will be in town and Cameesha called me last night asking about plans so I will tell everyone to go to Mynt for happy hour. We could also grab a late dinner somewhere at 8 maybe

  5. Awww honey…. I know ABSOLUTELY how you feel.. I just went through one of those TERRIBLE breakups this past year.. And it was deeper than I was ready for.. It was like mourning a death. Mourning the death of my love, my hope for us, my companion, my bestfriend, so many voids he filled…. EVERYTHING reminded me of him… I still WORK with him.. I watched him move on and get a new girlfriend and ask me not to show up at some of the places we both went to so SHE could feel comfortable… :/

    I say all this to say, it’s hard and you feel deep in your heart a pain that you’re not sure will ever really disappear.. but you just keep living.. and ONE day, you realize.. You’re YOU again, without him.. and you like it. And you look back and you AREN’T yearning for HIM anymore, if you ARE yearning at all.. it’s for what you thought you had – not him in particular. 🙂

    And you look forward to the future because the BEST is YET to COME my love.

  6. I won’t fill this space with all of my past heartache because Lordy do I have them! (So much so that I drove – with tears in my eyes – 8.5 hours to a military base in NJ to confront he who just 10 hours before broke my heart via phone.) But what I will say is echoing the other sentiments, THIS WILL PASS.

    One day you’ll realize that you haven’t thought cried about him that day. And then one day you’ll realize you haven’t cried about him in days. Weeks.
    Then one day you won’t even remember that you used to be this sad, this hurt, this broken…over him. But until you get to those freedom days – the best thing I can suggest is to *develop new routines*. During my heartache – I took up yoga, volunteered with kids…basically busied myself with things I had put off doing because I was too busy trying to be his girl. After long… I honestly didn’t have the time to be sad…and not too long after that, I honestly just WASN’T sad.

    Another option is to *date again*, although this can be dangerous too…but just getting out there and remembering that at the tender age of 20something, you still have so much loving & living to do!! Besides, if he let you go, he’s just a stupid toadstool en route to your happy ending anyway! One day you’ll meet a man and will understand why it didn’t work out with this one. 😉

  7. FYI – Sorry the above post was so long! I came to your blog to get the address for my Soror Shoutout post and my heart hurt for you so much that I couldn’t resist commenting! See you tonight, Soror!

  8. It’s amazing that you put to voice what I went through during my break-up. There is no advice or easy way to go through it (Hell, I totally wish there were some sort of Heart-Broken Manual i.e. Step 1 – Do NOT lay in the bed depressed). My ex and I were together for 5 years, and when we broke-up I swore up and down that man took my right arm with him! I went through every single faze you did, and couldn’t BELIEVE how I was acting! Where was my strength? Where was my independence? Where was my happiness? Even now I’m simply amazed at how long it really took me to get over him.

    But then I realized *choir chorus sings God-like hymn* – this was the person that had been with me EVERY STEP OF THE WAY for 5 YEARS. He was there for every new hair style, family drama, happy moment, stupid joke, and everything in between. Of COURSE I was devastated. So one morning, I woke up, took a breath and started moving. I gave myself a break. Instead of denying my broken heart (that I logically stated had been shattered and scattered across the Atlantic in some tragic love scene), I went through the emotions that were nearly suffocating me in their intensity. I accepted the fact that we weren’t going to be together (God, did THAT take a long time). Sloooooooooowly, the little light in my heart fluttered awake once I realized that things WERE going to get better. That sure, somewhere down the line I’ll find someone else – exciting, handsome and possibly annoying, that sparked my interest.

    And now, when I wake up, my pillow is tear free. My heart isn’t heavy. My mind isn’t running rampant. And I’m HAPPY. Maybe not blissfully in love, sure, but I’m just as happy as I was before I met him. All it took was time…time for me to remember that I wasn’t incomplete before I met him, and that I wasn’t incomplete when we parted, despite how it may have felt.

    I hope sharing this helped you. It not easy, but you WILL be fine. Here’s a quote I thought would help!

    “I will sleep on dry pillows now in a bed big enough to love myself in. I will awake these coming mornings with my eyes dry and shining full of the knowledge I am PRICELESS…”

    Sorry for the long post (and my first ever post on your blog!) 🙂

    • Wow! Thank you SOOOO much for sharing, as it is greatly appreciated 🙂 How long did it take you to get over him?

      After this post went up he happened to read it (I was shocked he read my blog-up until that point the only posts he’d read were ones I told him too) and we were able to finally discuss why he disappeared/decided to end things. Getting that closure helped me tremendously. While it still hurt, at least I now know the why/how and that understanding gave me a sense of peace about the situation that I didn’t have before.

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