I had planned on sleeping in a bit late today. Because yesterday was an intense workday that left me with sore legs and throbbing feet I’d decided that my daily morning routine could be sacrificed for an additional hour of sleep. No lounging time to surf the net, eat breakfast or read the Word before another busy day is what I was prepared to do. Unfortunately after tossing and turning for a few hours, I found myself wide awake before 7AM, contemplating, deciding and questioning…
Pressure. Lately I’ve been feeling a lot of it. It’s all been self-imposed, inflicted and inspired. Despite this fact, it doesn’t make it feel any bit more comfortable or less burdensome. ..I’d argue even more so because it’s become a mental battle that plays out constantly. Regardless of what I chose to focus my energy on, it’s going nowhere.
I know I need to clear my headspace. I can’t afford to be out here preoccupied like this. My energy is unbalanced and unfortunately my coworkers, some of the people closest to me, are very well aware. Isn’t it funny how your coworkers can sometimes know you and your moods better than yourself? They share some of the best hours of your daily life with you…they start picking up on things. “What’s up with you girl? Something’s off. Where’s that smile?! Where’s the upbeat energy?! This is the second day now. I need you to get back to Ashley!” my Broadway-headed co-worker exclaimed yesterday. I smiled brightly for her as she pulled me from my thoughts. “I’m good girl, just thinkin about some things,” I told her before repeating, “I’m good.” But I’m not. As soon as someone leaves me alone I’m back to brooding.
I think a lot of it has to do with these timelines I apply to everything. When I notice that change needs to occur, I pick an arbitrary date/time to reach a decision. It’s been this way for years. Because I’m a procrastinator who can’t deal unless there’s a clearly defined plan, it allows me to twiddle my thumbs with the reassurance that progress will ultimately happen. I don’t know if it’s the best route to take but it’s the route I’ve been taking for so long.
The old saying is pressure is what it takes to build diamonds. We also know that pressure bursts pipes. Time will tell which side of the margin I ultimately wind up on. What we do know however, is that I’ve spent my sacrificed morning routine writing these thoughts, releasing a bit of that pressure. These early hours haven’t been entirely wasted.
I’ll take that.