I woke up today fighting for my happiness. The realization that I’m starting off at ground zero…again, and everything from here will be a climb, a hike, a…struggle… Those thoughts attack the happiness that I work so hard to protect and preserve. And then I feel ungrateful because I’m surrounded by my blessings yet and still, I’m focusing on the downside of things.
Why is my happy so elusive?
Anyone who has talked to me within the past few months knows how happy I’ve been. I’ve made a conscious effort to claim it for myself; after all I deserve it right? Don’t we all deserve to find some piece of it for ourselves and own that? As a part of the human experience, of the understanding that we are here because God ordained it to be, shouldn’t we be grateful, humbled, and happy that in fact, we exist? (Really think about it…out of the millions of sperm expelled, and the occasional egg that drops from an ovary, our creation has been nothing short of miraculous in itself and that is all the reason we need?)
So again, why is being “happy” so elusive?
I’ve come to the recent realization that I probably enjoy the challenge of “happy.” After this past weekend when I found myself sitting across from a life/happiness coach, never before has it become more evident to me than when I reflect on the past few years and choices I’ve made.
While I say I don’t like change and it frustrates me, deep down it gives me a thrill. When things have been consistent for a while, when I become complacent and get too comfortable, I find myself incredibly bored. It is in these moments that I make impulsive, ridiculous decisions that usually have dramatic and exciting results and I live on that high until the boredom sets in again. The excitement of hopping on life’s rollercoaster, venturing into the unknown, and “winging it,” actually is what makes me happy.
I appreciate this about myself, my ability to color outside of the lines thereby creating my own unique metaphorical pictures. Hanging these pictures, gazing at them as I reflect on the experiences I’ve had, is what my happiness is all about. My happiness is about the journey, never the destination.
I can live with that.