What you’re about to read is probably about to surprise you. I always rock a big smile on my face, am upbeat and am always down to have a good time with those closest too me. I have presented a positive, uplifted and motivated A. Yancey to you…which is true, but there’s another side as well. Another side that I have REFUSED to acknowledge, own and share with the vast majority of others. Unfortunately, internally things have not been so peachy. I’m about to share something that is DEEPLY personal to me. I’m not really sure why I decided to even post this but here it is. Don’t judge me.
Recently I’ve been going through it. Heartbreak folks, heartbreak. Shelby’s been telling me from day 1 to write about it but I kept saying, “I have to let some months/years go by before I do that,” “it’s way too soon,” and my most popular excuse, the simple, “there’s no way I’m writing about something like that.” So this post is just a random rant of all the things that have been grinding my gears as it relates to this most recent breakup I’ve been desperately trying to get over.
First of all, I’m the queen of avoidance/denial. If something is bothering me I will do EVERYTHING in my power to avoid the subject, deny any weakness and pretend that whatever was going on never happened. Unfortunately you never realize how many people are actually aware that the relationship existed until stuck with the unfortunate task of updating them all on the status. Here I am, several weeks later still encountering folks who are asking “how’re you and him doing?” And all I can say is, “We’re not.” When they ask, “Why?” I am left to shrug my shoulders while offering a weak, “I honestly don’t know.” And that’s the truth-I don’t know. One day we were, and the next day he disappeared.
So now I’ve got my cousins (whom I don’t see/hang out with/talk to all that often, but when we do it’s like no time has passed) who want to know how things are going with myself and the guy that they first met in Fall 2009. Back then they were major fans of him and here we are over a year later and it’s the holidays and the family’s all together. I realize that they haven’t been updated and all those emotions come rushing back to the top as I recall the “ending ceremonies,” ugh. Then a week or so later, another person pops up, this one having met him over the summer and she’s asking the same question. Then most recently, just freaking yesterday, my sorority sister who met him this past spring, made a comment where she referred to my “boo” and I realized I’d have to explain it all to her. Every single time I have to explain the breakup to someone else I am silently cursing myself for ever introducing these people to him in the first place. Now I have to sit back and wonder, “who else is out there that I STILL have to explain this crap too?” It sucks you guy, it sucks.
Then I have had to censor all of the music I listen too. I am so sick of hearing love songs, or songs about the man wanting the woman back, or the songs about the woman wanting the man back. Everytime I hear it all I receive it all as lies. This stuff isn’t true, people will get hurt, it’s such a major waste of time. The only song that makes any sense to me anymore is Trey Songz,’ “Can’t Be Friends.” Heck, me and this cat can’t even speak at this point. It’s kind of like speak for what? There’s nothing that needs to be said.
Which takes me to my next point. I’ve had to reroute many of my social appearances (lol at my word choice) and am now realizing that before showing up to places, I have to ask about “who’s going to be there” and “who’s providing the entertainment” to avoid any unsettling run-ins. Recently I forgot to do this and found myself in a nightmare. There I was, with my girl, drinking nice and dancing when out of the corner of my eye I spotted him. Instantly my body temperature rose, I felt faint and had to take a major gulp to swallow my stomach that had just attempted to creep up my throat. I didn’t see that sort of reaction coming. At all. Heck, I didn’t expect to see him. It freaked me out.
And another thing about these breakups, just because you remove that person 100% out of your life does not mean that the reminders aren’t EVERYWHERE else you may go, constantly agitating you and forcing you to remember everything you want to forget. This holiday season everytime I saw a Little Fockers movie promotion I had to fight back tears-he and I were supposed to see that movie together. And everytime I’m on the highway and pass the exit that leads to his home I’m reminded that I’ll never be using it again. Certain songs I can’t listen to because they bring back memories of what doesn’t exist anymore.
And quite possibly the absolute hardest part of all of this is the loss of one of my best friends. Over the course of the better part of a year, this had grown to be the person that I confided in for nearly everything. If I was considering making a job change, he knew about it. If my hair was flowing that day, he would receive a picture in his inbox alerting him to it. If I needed advice on how to handle someone who had offended me, he gave it. And for him-if someone was grinding his gears, he could tell me about it. If he had made some major moves with his career, I’d be one of the first to know and when he was fresh out of that barber’s chair or a visit to the gym I was definitely on the receiving end of that picture text message. Now when something crazy, ridiculous, uplifting or disappointing happens and I go to send a text, I am instantly reminded that he will not be notified. If there’s a new movie I want to see, he won’t be seeing it with me. New restaurant I want to try? He won’t be trying it with me. It’s tough.
I know I’m not the only one that has gone through this yet I still feel so alone in it all. I don’t understand why so much time has passed and I’m still not over it. It’s never taken me this long to move on. NEVER. And while there are some days where I feel quite good about the situation and think I’m making progress, I’ll see/remember something that brings all the old feelings back. I’m a prideful person so majority of this I have not shared with others; these are all things that have occupied the darkest corners of my mind and heart. I’ve prayed for myself, entertained the occasional date or two (hurt people will hurt people though so I’ve been forced to put distance between myself and these people), even went down for the alter call at church but nothing is working. The only thing at this point is time I guess but I don’t have the patience for all that. So….
I’m moving to NYC. I’m moving much sooner than I had originally anticipated. In my mind it’s the only thing that has seemed to make sense. I know it sounds so incredibly ridiculous but darn it, it’s the only way I know how to deal. On my most recent trip I thought about my situation here not once. Not once. And as soon as I got back it has haunted all of my thoughts once again and I can’t seem to get past/over it as hard as I try. Desperate times call for desperate measures. This has all been an experience of firsts….this is the first time I’ve ever really STRUGGLED to get over a breakup and this will be the first time I take such a major move to get over it. Oh well. I’m ready (I think). And if this doesn’t work and three months later I’ve realized I made a major mistake, family and home are going nowhere no time soon-moving back home will always be an option.
Pray for me. And thanks for listening/reading.
Her second single from the album, “Far Away” speaks to a love that while starting off was burning strong but it has now faded-the other person is so far away. It’s sad actually. When listening to the melodic harmonies of the piano and Marsha’s soothing falsetto it carries you away to another place…she makes you remember that love that you may have shared with someone that now seems so far away…
Fancy A. Yancey 